Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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