Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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