Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
