I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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