my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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