she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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