did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
