why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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