he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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