dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
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