I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I need to stop coming to work sober
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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