I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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