I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
