just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
