just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
