so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
