i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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