my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
should my penis look like a turkey
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
