Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I need moral support for this bender
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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