I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
