My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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