my phone needs a breathalizer
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
