i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
