woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
