Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We are two peas in an std pod
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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