dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
