a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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