I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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