Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
