You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
