Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
