i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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