regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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