Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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