Redeem this text for a blowjob
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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