You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
