i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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