Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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