There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
