yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize