I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
