Apparently you make a good broom.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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