i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
