Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
