what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
