I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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