Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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