Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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