You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize