Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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