Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
