I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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