please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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