nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
