I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
