i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
