you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Randomize
