the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
she told me i tasted like america
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
