omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
