Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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