If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
sex in a hospital.. check
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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