i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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