her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
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