Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
