So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
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