Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
